#25 – Lost & Found – 9/30/16

“Door broken, please use other door,” says the sign on the window.  Still, I watch customers approach the coffee shop, try the door anyway, and then seemingly read the text before ultimately trying again.  Each one meets failure, inevitably accepts it, and walks around the corner to the other entrance.  That’s what we do, right?  When we have an objective to conquer, if it means enough to us, we find a way to overcome our obstacles.

Success and failure — is it all within the realm of our control?  Or are we all just pawns of fate, regardless of our thoughts, efforts, and all the hard work we may do in the pursuit of our dreams?

Well, I can tell you, as of now, I am living proof that hard work does pay off.  Many hours of my life over the past year have been spent sitting in a coffee shop, just like this one, in pursuit of my dreams. 

This time last year, I was in Connecticut, losing sleep, on the go almost for the entirety of almost every day.  Whether I was doing homework for online classes, writing and re-writing (and re-re-writing) screenplays for my internship, or writing social media posts and blogs for money, it wasn’t for naught.

Whether designing t-shirts or internet memes, writing essays for scholarships, or even documenting my daily observations in coffee shop blogs like this one, it was all for something I am proud to announce that, after all this time spent in coffee shops over the past year, I have finally succeeded.  Ladies and gentlemen: I am officially a Starbucks Gold Member.


All of my purchases have earned me entry into a rewards program, which means two things.  I’ve spent waaaaay too much fucking money on coffee-related products, and I probably have and addiction I’ll need to address at some point.

As for the success, you may be wondering, “is … is he for real?  Or was all that just the setup for a sarcastic rant to end all sarcastic rants?”  If you’ve read blogs #1-24, you should have known the answer to this question already.

In the past month, I’ve been turned down by several major fellowships, been unable to secure employment in L.A., N.Y.C.,  or … anywhere, really.

The short film I worked very hard to put together fell through.  Too bad, though.  It would have been a fun little project, but apparently it just wasn’t meant to be right now … or any time soon.

In the meantime, I completed a short script with a co-writer after two months of writing and about seven months of re-writing.  Being two verrrryyyy different people with two very different visions and unforgiving schedules made it a very difficult process.  Stifling unrequited feelings didn’t make matters any easier either, and the internal struggle can only have come out as crazy and antagonistic, but regardless, we got through it and the script is finished and ready to take on new life.  I suppose that’s a plus … right?

I’ve been accepted into another film program out of state.  I can’t afford it, of course, but still considering it somehow.  And, all the while, California is calling my name, and my internship is still available for me to continue in Connecticut.  I don’t know what happens next.  My employment needs to change.  As does my scenery.  There are no opportunities here, and even with all of the work I did over the last year, I may be even worse off than I was last year, somehow.  I’m stuck, and can’t function here any longer.

I don’t know where I’ll be a month from now, but one thing is certain: I’m drinking decaf and I hate it.  Seriously, why is decaf a thing?!  Why I’m drinking it in the first place is a long, unrelated story, but if you’re wondering why this blog entry isn’t as ‘fueled’, focused, or coherent as the others, that’s why — it’s because I’m decaffeinated.  Back to fatty, sugary Frappuccinos for me, I suppose.

Decaf:  What the fuck.

See, this — this — is how you can tell it’s a slow night at the S’bucks.  No one is being disruptive, and I’ve had time to organize my thoughts … to a degree.  And in this non-caffeinated state of meditation, this is the decision that I’ve come to:

I’ve never been one of those ‘glass half full’ type of people.  But until I find a golden opportunity (besides this sexy membership card), my glass is completely empty.  I’ll be back when I’ve found something to fill it with.

Take care, Java-philes.

–   J




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