Ohhh emmm geeee.
I put the Coffee Shop Chronicles on hold for a few months to get some fucking work done (still not done), but this redneck is blowing his date beside me and I can’t help but stop everything I’m doing to watch him crash and burn.
It’s like seeing a terrible car accident. Caused by the type of drivers he just referenced when he told his non-white date that he used to make fun of the Asian kids who didn’t like him by telling them they couldn’t drive and that their eyes were too small.
She asked why kids didn’t like him. He said that it was because he was “too good looking.” I guess mouth-breathing overbites were the “in” thing at his school.
I’m guessing he’s early 20s, military (or just spends entirely too much time in the gym), as his massive arms, chest and unwarranted cockiness would suggest, and his body (like hers) is likely the only reason this date has carried on as long as it has.
His date may be a Latina, early 20s — it’s hard to tell from this angle — and hasn’t laughed at a single thing this douche bag has said thus far. This may be her first rodeo, and it’s likely to deter her from performing in anymore by the end of it.
Is she gonna seal the deal, I wonder. Will she go further? A relationship? Is she really digging this? I can’t get a good look at her because their table is too close, and if I glance over, they’ll know, by the look on my face, just how stupid I think they both are.
I suppose I can’t fault her for this. She’s like a hostage. I have quite a collection of terrible 1st date stories, and though I could have (and should have) abandoned them at the first chance I had, I always ended up hanging around to see how much worse they could get. The answer has consistently been “MUCH, MUCH WORSE.”
Now, he’s poking at her and picking on her appearance. Is this an effective method of flirtation? If someone said these things to me, it would just make me want to punch them in their “too good looking” face. How many Access Hollywood buses has this fool traveled on with Donald Trump where he’d believe this was desirable behavior?!
I have the urge to turn to her and yell, “Don’t let him grab your pussy! Don’t let him anywhere near it! We don’t need anymore of these tools running around in this country! I’m sure he has a perfectly good sister at home waiting up for him whose life he can ruin instead!”
Well, he’s confirmed he is/was in the Army. And now he’s asking personal questions about her family. Run, girl! He’s gathering intel on you! He’s trying to deport you and your family! Okay, okay, not really. This guy couldn’t deport his own way out of a paper bag. Aaaand now, coincidentally, they’re actually talking about Trump.
You gotta be fucking kidding me. He just dropped this joke: “The wall isn’t a bad idea because it really works. Remember ‘The Great Wall’? How many Mexicans do you see in China?” She was NOT amused. So, then, he proceeds to EXPLAIN it to her! He thought she didn’t understand, and made a genuine attempt to explain it! xD I haven’t seen a death so slow and tragic since that scene in Titanic! (Spoiler alert: Jack dies.)
G.I. Joke just changed the subject. As ridiculous as this is, he’s still getting laid tonight. He’s going to pound the hell out of this poor girl, and I’m going to be up working and blogging. Really puts my life into perspective.
Any-J, she just started picking on some of his career choices. She found a flaw to exploit. She got him vulnerable and on the ropes. He’s so defensive. And then … pivot. “I wanted to be a doctor, but then I realized I didn’t.” That’s a scary thought. That just enforces my plans to NOT have insurance so I can wither away and die naturally.
Oh! He just got her to laugh! He told her that his younger brothers — a software engineer and someone working with military defense contracts — are jealous of HIM! She asked why, and why he isn’t modest in the slightest. His response: “It’s hard to be modest when you’re this badass.”
G.I. Joke went on to talk about how he could never be jealous of a woman. I just felt every woman I know scream out, outraged, right from my very soul as he carried on.
Cancel my work for the next two days. I really need to process this.
Ohhhh snap! She totally just body-shamed him! One point for woman scorned! (As her voice is getting louder through this conversation, I have determined that she indeed carries an Asian accent. Chinese, I believe.)
Female Hostage pointed out that G.I. Joke doesn’t have a six pack, and eluded to the fact that he’s a little jigglier than he acts like he is. He’s making a ton of excuses for it, and playing the, “I could be tighter if I wanted to, but I decided not to,” card.
Now he’s peppering in how it’s all about meeting the weight class for his fights. A perfect Segway to invite her to his next fight. She declined. Despite the fact that he’s “so good at it,” and “wins a lot.”
If this was anymore of a train wreck, TLC would make a reality show out of it.
In an unexpected turn of events, Hostage is asking if she can make money off of his fights. I’m having this epic fantasy where he gets her a ringside seat, and she cheers him on, with hundreds of dollars riding on his victory, and then his ass gets dropped shortly after the opening bell. Like, how does THAT conversation go later?
This Starbucks closes in 15 minutes, and I can’t predict how this will end.
Gahhhh. Just as I wrote that, he asked if she wanted to go. And they promptly left without further discussion.
I guess I’ll never know whether or not they humped or got together. Would that be right? Is that how things SHOULD BE? THIS guy gets the girl, despite who HE is and who SHE COULD BE, if she were to find a companion who supports her and builds her up?
If everything that’s happened this year, thus far, is any indication, then YES. They got together. This guy’s getting laid. She’s abandoning her power as a woman. And they’ll be spawning many more of him in the years to come. And his poor auntie sister will be waiting up for him all night long while it’s all going down.
Meanwhile, I’m working and blogging, and you’re sitting there reading this post. What a cruel world, right?
What a cruel, cruel world.